Shocks of the Royal Wedding Coverage

1. That Fitzy and Wippa got the gig as Wedding correspondents on channel 10. You couldn't miscast a gig any more if you tried. How do two blokey ocker unfunny goons begin to cover something elegant, posh and traditional like a Royal Wedding? Their skits in the wedding lead up have been diabolical. I bet Rove McManus gave them the job. He puts all his unfunny mates in stuff.

2. That Tracey Grimshaw and Ita Buttrose are promoted as having "incredible chemistry" in their "expert commentary" yet they seem as warm and welcoming as The Queen with the Middletons.

3. How long television presenters can speculate on a wedding dress only to conclude they have no idea what it will be like.

4.  That all the "old college chums" that gave interviews on Kate and Wills were only in one class with them 10 years ago along with 300 other scholars.

5. That it started so long before the wedding that by the time of the wedding (in a few hours) you are completely over the wedding. And that everyone is broadcasting live from London, like they will get anywhere near anything.

The Smashing Biggest Loser Season

It seems the buzz word of The Biggest Loser- Families is "smash". It's employed more than the cross trainer in every episode and goes from a verb to an adjective in a single sentence. Here's my favourite smash outs;

1. " I smashed it out on the treadmill/rowing machine/etc."

2." I smashed down that food the other night."

3. " We got smashed (in the training session). My legs are smashed."

4. "Shannon smashed me out of the boxing ring."

5. "They are going to smash up on us." (I think this means the trainers are going to be extra strict."

So Hot Right Now...

1. Reunion specials- all these old casts are getting together again, a trend started by Oprah's The Sound of Music and The Colour Purple cast reunions. We've now had a reunion for Big Brother favourites and the cast of A Country Practice. I noticed The Biggest Loser and The Farmer Wants a Wife jumped on board as well with their retrospective specials this week.

2. Dame Helen Mirren- or more specifically, her breasts. They became famous in Calendar Girls and that famous red bikini shot, but now she has posed topless in a magazine and did a Saturday Night Live sketch where a female fan gets to touch them. If you still have it at that age, you can't blame her for proving it.

3. Lara from The Biggest Loser - The freshly evicted contestant owned the make over show and basically looks like a supermodel. Trainer Shannan gushed about her and everyone bawled when she got evicted. Hot hottie hot.

4. My Kitchen Rules - Finals week is here and every lame kitchen pun about turning up the heat and letting the flames begin are my new favourite gags. Go NSW, Sammy and Bella are the one's to watch!

5. Chrissie Swan - Going for a gold logie (and nominated in several other categories) is the hilarious, 80's loving, genuine and gorgeous Circle presenter who has been the breath of fresh air daytime television needed. Good luck, Chrissie, I have texted in my votes for you.

The Long and The Short of It

Having just had my very long hair cut off to become very short, I'm absolutely loving the following new freedoms...

1. No more de-tangling, blow-drying (there's an extra 40 mins a day), styling, flicking, swinging and re-doing my hair.

2. Being able to swim anywhere anytime without worrying that I will ruin my recently ghd-straightened mane. I might shower more often now too. My hair is dry in five.

3. My baby can't pull it out in large clumps.

4. I can rediscover things like earrings, make-up and eyebrows, because all I have now is my face.

5. Sleeping better- you can actually feel the pillow on your head, without the sore bump of a pony-tail or hair strewn all over the place.

I've also lost a half a kilo without exercise or diet- this haircut has given me wings.

Crying is the New Black

It seems that celebrities and pollies have finally cottoned on that the public like to see a little emotion in our leaders, but are these tears real or crocodile...?

1. Julia Gillard - After being criticised for showing no emotions during the floods, immediately after gave a teary speech with the Australian flag in Parliament. yesterday she got a little choked up when addressing the Americans in Congress. This should counter-balance the hit in the polls the carbon tax brought her. Sincerity factor: 2/5

2. Anna Bligh - Got the trend started when she went from zero to hero in her emotional, "We. Are. Queenslanders," speech that inspired her State to soldier on and regain their pride. Sincerity factor: 4.5/5

3. Nicole Kidman- Cried abut something on 60 Minutes but had to loudly state, "I can't believe I'm crying on 60 minutes," which I think she assumed would be a great sound bite for the promo, and it was. Sincerity factor: 1/5

4. Kylie Minogue- Cried on Sunday Night with Molly Meldrum, seemed teary from the get go, is probably just exhausted as well. Sincerity factor: 3/5

5. Oprah Winfrey- Cried on her last interview, I couldn't believe how long it took a crew member to hand her a tissue. Wake up, sound guy, the Queen's mascara is running. Sincerity factor: 3.5/5

Everyone cries on The Biggest Loser, My Kitchen Rules and The Farmer Wants a Wife. But what's wrong with a few tears anyway?

Why I Don't Love Russell Brand

His books are rife with his shady dealings, lying, cheating, stealing, etc, here are but a few...

1. When he moved in with his Doctor girlfriend, he secretly got a key cut so when they broke up he could go back and steal stuff from her and did. (Booky Wook)

2. He cut his drugs with other dodgy meds and then sold them to his close friends, using a toilet seat to mix the concoction.(Booky Wook)

3. He took a girlfriend with him to shoot Losing Sarah Marshall, then figured he might be able to get into Kirsten Bell's pants, so tells his girlfriend to bugger off. (Booky Wook 2)

4. Tries to be a "character" by doing stupid things like letting a mouse live in his hair, self-harming and getting arrested then trying to charm the police with whimsical banter and impeccable manners. Staggers around like a less endearing Captain Jack Sparrow.(Booky Wook)

5. Was a total sex addict and massively arrogant egotist. Can he really change? I think I'm going to have to change my "Free Katie" t-shirt to "Free Katy."

Why I Love Russell Brand

1. His two autobiographies, Booky Wook 1 and 2, are truly engrossing. His voice comes through strongly, unlike most "autobiographies" were the ghost writer is so present your house becomes haunted for the duration of the read.

2. He has great taste in women, okay, so he has had a great taste for all women. But now he has narrowed it down to some wonderful women. For example, I dig his wife, Katy Perry, I dig his idolisation of Helen Mirren and after reading his booky wooks, I dig his beloved mum, Barbara and nan.

3. He is brutally honest about himself and other celebrities in his books, even though he admits to some horrible stuff that could make fans turn on him. (See next blog)

4. He made it big from being poor boy out in Grays, Essex, with largely unhappy childhood. He has managed to stay clean and sober after being total alcoholic and crack addict.

5. Wrote and recited a beautiful poem for his nan at her funeral, as published in Booky Wook.

Aussie Workaholics

They say Australians work too hard in relation to the rest of the world. I'd say it's true of these over-achievers and I can think of many more. But on their pay packets it's hard to be too sympathetic...

1. Dannii Minogue - Previously shadow-dwelling Danni has finally been given some opportunities and she's taking every one. Whilst being pregnant and having her first child she has also managed to co-write a book, design her Project D fashion label, judge/mentor on British X-Factor and judge on Australia's Got Talent. The Minogue work ethic has always been an inspiration. No-one can stop Kylie either. Carol and Ron must have been hard task masters.

2. Grant Denyer- As well as travelling around Australia, getting up at the crack of dawn to do the weather every morning on Sunrise, he also hosts The Iron Chef (did that get axed though?), races cars, has a baby on the way and channel 7 whack him in anywhere whenever anyone else needs some time off. They always give him those one-off hosting gigs like Carols in the Domain.

3. Charlie Pickering - He co-hosts The 7pm Project live five nights a week, is a teamster on Talking About your Generation, goes to Afghanistan to investigate and has a new book out. He has even found the time to get his tonsils out this week. Enjoy that compulsory bed-rest!

4. Andrew O'Keefe - Hasn't seemed to have missed an episode of Deal or No Deal in 15 years, plus does Weekend Sunrise live both Saturday and Sunday, puts up with Samantha Armitage and does charity work for the White Ribbon Foundation. I saw him in a live theatre sports show once too. He must have had an idle afternoon to fill.

5. Kyle Sandilands - Love him or hate him, but as a worker you'd rate him. From hosting his radio show ( apparently from a secluded booth in his LA mansion), to hosting/mentoring on Australia's Got Talent and being a producer and scandal maker, it seems Kyle was left with no time left for lovely Tamara.

Television families you don't want to relate to

1. The Bundys - Married With Children

2. The Connors - Roseanne

3. The Munsters - The Munsters

4. Bob's - Bob's Burgers

5. The Beverly Hillbillies- The Beverly Hillbillies

Worst Television Husbands (part 2)

1. Frank Costanza- Seinfeld - too foul to contemplate.

2. Dr Trey McDougall - Sex and the City - from the impotency to changing his mind on having kids, Trey looked perfect on paper but was anything but.

3. Homer Simpson - The Simpsons - as Selma notes at Pattie's wedding to Sideshow Bob, that she's the "only single girl left in the family" - then spots Homer devouring serveral platters of food and concludes, "could be worse."

4. Eric Forrester - The Bold and the Beautiful - still in the picture despite having affairs with Brooke, Lauren Fenmore, Jackie M, Donna and probably countless models around "Forrester Creations" behind Stephanie's back. Plus has bushy grey caterpillar eyebrows.

5. Dr Ross Gellar - Friends -  Ross has every intention of being a good husband. However, he manages to say his ex-girlfriend's name at his wedding to Emily and marries Racheal later drunk in Vegas and lies about having it annulled. As for his first marriage, he should have asked if his wife were gay first.

The New Rock Stars

1. Celebrity chefs

2. People singing in their bedrooms on You Tube.

3. WAGS

4. Strippers

5. Baby Elephants

Best things about 1999

1. The Blairwitch Project scared me out of camping ever again.

2. Ricky Martin could have still been my next boyfriend.

3. Britney Spears was still relatively sane.

4. That the Y2K bug never destroyed the universe.

5. Singing Prince's song "1999" all year.

Shady Tradies

Great tradies are worth their weight in gold. You form lifelong relationships with them and recommend them to all. However, we've encountered some of the more displeasing types in my house and hood lately...for example;

1. Mr No-Can Do- For example, "You can't tile that surface..." or "We don't do that..." or " You'll need to bring in a digger if you need a hole there."

2. The Opinionator - The guy that wants to comment on all your design selections instead of just installing the damned things.

3. The Pack O Thugs- These guys roam in packs, they saunter into your home or garden like they own it. Think they are the River Boys on Home and Away. Known to swear, spit, smoke, crank music and generally carry on in a most unsavoury fashion.

4. The Stuffer Upperer- Either they have let their first year apprentice take the measurements or had no awareness of the quote you had done (usually with some sales person who doesn't seem to communicate with the tradie at all) but these guys take at least three goes to get it right.

5. The No-Show - The ones that you have to do all the chasing. They may or may not show up at any given time. They don't work in the rain, don't work in the heat and basically don't work much at all. Seem to realise you need them more than they need you.

How to Keep Flowers Longer

If you were lucky enough to get some flowers for Valentine's Day, here are five ways that you can sustain their beauty...

1. Put a spoon of sugar or dash of lemonade in the water.
2. Fry the ends of each stem for a few seconds each.
3. Put the plant food in that you usually get with the flowers.
4. Change the water everyday.
5. Spritz blooms everyday with water.

Some Favourite Fictional Romances...

In honour of Valentine's Day here are five passionate on-screen unions. Whether chokingly tragic or getting there in the end, these couples capture (and caress) my romantic side.

1. Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe - Anne of Green Gables

2. Karen Blixen and Denys Finch Hatten - Out of Africa

3. Daphne Moon and Niles Crane - Fraiser

4. Francesca Johnson and Robert Kincaid - The Bridges of Maddison County

5. Ellen Olenska and Newland Archer - The Age of Innocence

When you can't admit you're a viewer...

Isn't it funny how many people can't admit to regularly watching a particular show yet seem to know every character, storyline and actor involved? Here are the most common excuses employed to hide compulsive viewing of a really bad show...

1. " I was just flicking between stations"

2. "I must have had it on in the background."

3. " My husband/wife/flatmate/sister/etc watches it."

4. "I must have seen the ad for it."

5. " I might have caught it once or twice."

Support Cast that Steal the Show

In most sit-coms, the wacky side-kick is so much more funny than the main character we are all supposed to relate to, like these scene stealer's;

1. Kramer in Seinfeld

2. Karen and Jack in Will and Grace

3. Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory

4. Finch in Just Shoot Me

5. Elka in Hot in Cleveland

Worst Television Husbands

So many flooded my mind for this one, but in keeping with this blog I reduced my list to five, well, I snuck an extra in to make six.

1. Tony Soprano - The Sopranos - The whole mafia thug factor plus a cheater to boot.

2. Darren Stevens - Bewitched - The nerve of him banning his wife from using her amazing magical powers! At least Samantha always rebels from his tyrannical regime.

3. Frank and Raymond Barone - Everybody loves Raymond - Frank is so wrong I can barely watch him and in my house nobody loves Raymond- what a chump!

4. Tim Taylor - Home Improvement - Apart from making that stupid noise, "eeuuurgghh?",  the only thing he is supposedly good at, fixing things, he can't do right.

5. Spencer Pratt - The Hills - Unemployed, extremely mean to your friends, family and little children, buys house without consulting you, turns your condo into a video arcade and just is the most selfish psycho ever.

Best Television Husbands

1. Mike Brady - The Brady Bunch-  those blue eyes are so sweet and sincere, he's great with the childcare and always has a philosophical gem up his well-ironed and starched sleeve.

2. Chandler Bing- Friends - Anyone who could put up with Monica...

3. Ridge Forrester- The Bold and The Beautiful -  I mean, he did instantly forgive his wife for sleeping with her daughter's boyfriend...and his jaw is so vast and chiseled it makes you want to get out a set square and measure it.

4. Phil Dunphy - Modern Family - corny, cheesy, but a real honey. Anyone who learns the entire chorry of High School Musical...

5. Gomez Addams -  The Addams Family - OK, so he may enjoy blowing up model trains, but could it be that Gomez Addams is the bomb? Always stylishly dressed and passionately in love with his wife, you can overlook his juggling and knife-throwing hobbies. The arm kisses and the whispers of cara mia ("my beloved")  are so romantic.

My Kitchen Rules Suspicions

1. That Pete and Manu had crushes on Bella and Sammy, consequently inflating their scores for Olka Polka.

2. That they tell the contestants to look and sound as stressed as possible.

3. That they have followed a similar casting pattern of last year. You need the gay guy with his bestie, the mother hen and father goose couple, the hot sisters, the stressy guys, the meanies and the ethnics. Perfect.

4. That the dinner parties might get quite long and boring if you were actually at them.

5. That the opening theme song actions don't match the funky Kesha song. Everyone looks stiff and stilted, except Kane and Lee, who nail it.(Shame they didn't nail the cooking part though!)

Why Biggest Loser Families is Better.

1. The trainers all had to pig out and gain weight - insert witchy cackle.

2. They have cast hot fatties even more this season- can't wait for the make over episode!

3. Annoying family members can sabotage the team and there are heaps more feuds going down.

4. The opening theme song is way more uplifting, however I wish everyone was dancing around a bit more, like Sarah-Jayne is.

5. Tiffiny and the Commando add a fresh ( and attractive) new vibe to what was starting to feel a bit stale. (Ps- I think the young Duncan boy already has a big crush on Tiff!)

A Very Brady Blog

I'm loving the fact that The Brady Bunch is back on the air. However, it hasn't even been on for a month yet and already I've noticed a few repetitive ideas in the episodes. Here's what always seems to happen...

1. One of the kids loses something - whether it be Tiger, the dog or when Cindy loses Marcia's diary. The family always have to comb the streets looking for the lost item.

2. One of the kids gets a big head about something- whether it be Peter after he saves a kid in the toy store or Greg with his baseball achievements.

3.One of the kids meets a celeb- From Dessy Arnez Jr to Don Drysdale, the Bradys are totally hooked up.

4. Carol hears a strange noise in the middle of the night - like when Alice gets caught in the kid's booby traps or when Greg is working out.

5. Alice bakes some cookies  - ah, what we wouldn't give to have an Alice! She does everything with a wink and a smile, donning an immaculate uniform and a french roll.

Words I Will Stop Using (as not 13 yr old boy on a skateboard)

1. "Dude"

2. "Stoked"

3. " Awesssssome"

4. " Wicked"

5. "Sup?"

Why we Love Hurley and Warnie...

1. Their couple name is "Shurley," which is too cute and fun.

2. They get sprung every time they get together for a secret pash, but you figure they are much more randy than they are bright.

3. The funny tweets- just when twitter was starting to fade, Shurley have brought it back with their flirty banter about Shane being jealous of her parrot, Ping Pong and her in "town for business...some of it monkey."

4. You couldn't trust either of them as far as you could spin bowl them - we wait with anticipation on the drama that could unfold, or make betting pools on who will cheat first.

5. You get the idea they are both charismatic 40 somethings that could use a comeback, and this liaison may be it!

Doing the Storm Out.

It seems the latest form of peaceful protest in the entertainment world, is the ultimate power-play, the storm out. People have been storming out of the following poor performances. When all these shows were $120 or more a ticket you can't blame the fans turning...towards the door.

1.The Sting Concert - post storm out fans declared they couldn't hear and it was too packed out. (Possibly not Sting's fault?)

2. John Malkovich's Casanova Musical - The Giacomo Variations - my best friend stormed out of this when a monotone Malkovich asked for a script mid-performance and lip-synced as a "singing double" performed his numbers.

3. The Barry White concert - Having his back to the audience the whole show wasn't that engaging after all.

4. The Whitney Houston concert - when she stopped to have coughing fits and drank a cup of "water" during the famous"I Will Always Love You" key change, the title of the song became a lie for the fans.

5. The Spice Girls Reunion Concert - the (ex) fans managed to put up with the shows, it was the girls themselves that stormed out, cancelling the remainder of their gigs mid-tour.

Australian Open Surprises

1. That Raffa was knocked out with his hamstring injury.

2. The jokes- from Kim Clijsters and the classic text message disclosures to Li Na and her imitations of her husband's snoring, the after-game interviews are becoming a highlight.

3. A Scottish man in the final - being of Scottish heritage myself, this is a bonny wee development. Go Andy!

4. A Chinese woman in the final- that's unique too.

5. Lleyton Hewitt moving into the commentator role and actually being very good both commentating the matches and on camera, he must have done some serious media training.

Great Free Places to Take a Baby

Sometimes when you're home all day with a baby, you (and the baby) could really use a little outing.Here's some surprising faves;

1. A Retirement Village - It's quiet, everyone is always pleased to see you and the wheelchair ramps are good for the stroller.

2. A Supacentre- The car spots are bigger, the centre is bigger (it is supa afterall), the lifts are bigger, everything is bigger to cater for people carrying out furniture, or in your case, a baby in a giant stroller.

3.To Mother's Group - A place where it doesn't matter if the baby screams or does a giant poo and where you can bang on about how your baby screams and does giant poos.

4. The library - you wouldn't think it, but they have all these baby activity groups there and the quiet atmosphere lulls your baby off to sleep. Just cross fingers they don't scream in quiet land.

5.  Around your house and garden - it's close by and you get good ideas for renos as you do the tour.

Advantages of not Being Rich

1. You don't have to look up the stock exchange everyday.

2. You get to use your imagination more.

3. Friends don't ask you to spot them a neat 50 G.

4. People don't expect you to tip 35%.

5. You don't worry about theft nearly as much.

Advantages of not Being Famous

1.Not having to stop to sign autographs- no-one likes extra paper work.

2. Not having to stop to pose for photos with people, as Kim Cattrall says, "like Mickey Mouse at Disneyland!" Or be papped by weird lurking photographers.

3. Not having to be immaculately groomed and in latest fashions to go grab some milk from the shop.

4. Not have annoying people ask you to do annoying favours for their work/netball/charity/organisations.

5. Not have annoying people approach you everywhere to ask you the same annoying questions starting with, "I don't mean to disturb you, but aren't you that girl from..."

Why I Love Lists

1. It can help you prioritise, organise and separate your thoughts into a clear and concise structure which is often hugely therapeutic.

2. It helps you remember things and brings relief when you don't have to store all the information in your head.

3. Brainstorming has massive intellectual benefits.

4. It is quick, easy and fun.

5. I'm a Virgo and apparently we are chronic list-makers.

Novelty burgers that evoke fear

Everyone loves a good novelty burger, the El Maco stands out in my mind, along with limited addition chicken schnitzel subs from subway as some faves. Here are ones that scared me a little.

1. The McRib -  McDonalds - I reckon only bought by dads.

2. The Shrek burger- McDonalds - do you really want a green sauce in a burger?

3. The Tower burger- KFC- do you really need a hash brown in a chicken burger?

4. The Bourbon burger - Hungry Jacks - do you need I.D to buy it?

5. TheTriple Cheese and Bacon burger-McDonalds - my pores start to ooze oil just thinking about it.

Movie Trailers - the good, the bad and the ugly

Not all trailers are created equal are they. A good trailer is so thrilling, I remember my friend and I going to a movie just to see a particular trailer. It's so fascinating to see what they pull out as the money shots and best quotes.

1. The Good - Black Swan - a fast, frenetic and frightening trailer. PS-I loved Natalie Portman's comment, "How do you get men to a ballet movie? You add a lesbian scene and call it a thriller."

2. The Good- The King's Speech - You get a sense of what it's about, snippets of stunning performances and it's brief.

3. The Bad - Little Fockers- If the trailer is the best bits, you are left wondering about the rest? The trailer just has Robert De Niro saying, "I'm watching you" then Ben Stiller saying "still". The bit that has been done to death gets another resurrection.

4. The Bad - How Do You Know - unless they are trying to be ironic with the title, this rom com stars Reece Witherspoon, Jack Nicholson, Owen Wilson and Paul Rudd and that is all you can fathom from the trailer. So then I saw a print ad for the movie. It just has a pick of the four actors. You end up knowing nothing indeed. The soundtrack for the trailer was a bad 80s track that's in every second 80s movie. It really wound me up.

5. The Ugly - Morning Glory - Looks beyond irritating with Rachel McAdams being mega perky, drinking ten coffees and yelling in Harrison Ford's face, "I'm not giving up" when we just wish so much she would. Only watch after ten coffees.

How to Aussie-Up Your Name for Australia Day

Choose one of the five options and you will become a dinky-di member of Club Oz;

1. The A - Take the first syllable of your surname, then add an "A" eg. Macca

2. The O - Take the first syllable of your first name and add an "O" eg. Stepho

3. The S - Take a syllable or two of either your first or last name and add an "S" - eg. Baretts, Jules

4. The Z/Za - eg, Loz, Gazza

5. The "IE/Y"- eg, Lockie, Mandy

Australia's Most Annoying Quiz Shows

1. The Trophy Room - Pete Hellier's new one. Too sporty and too much guess work on the "questions".For example, the "Pete or Tweet" section were you have to chose if a quote is a tweet or from Pete. It's a 50/50  guess and no-one cares about the answers. It's also amusing to hear Hellier bag out the film Water World when his own I Love You Too was a travesty and he is the host of the lamest quiz show ever.

2. Talking About your Generation- Nothing more annoying than when the scores don't matter and anyone can win at the end because it's all just rigged for laughs. It's a great idea for a show if they just had some straight Q and A. All those super creative segments just get ridiculous. Also, trying to affectionately nickname it "Your Gen" doesn't help. But what do I know, it won about ten logies?

3. Good News Week - If they could only get on with the game without all the egomaniac comedians trying to do fifty bits and crack fifty set up gags. Goes on for what seems about a week (hence the title?) I think no news is good news there.

4. Go Go Stop - I know it's a kid's quiz show, but It's Academic and Pyramid manage to be good, so it's not an excuse. Forget the Go Go and just Stop.

5. Millionaire's Hot Seat - A poor man's Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Has that annoying burning fuse across the screen, no-one ever seems to win the big money and is all about Eddie Maguire trying to be charming and witty. It just can't compare to Deal or No Deal on at the same time with Andrew O'Keefe who actually is charming and witty.

Things that can cheer us up this week

1. Ricky Gervais, we can either love him today or love the fact we are not him today.

2. Anna Bligh and all the millions of helpers of the flood recovery!

3. The launch of Channel 11.

4. The funny tennis players in Rally for Relief...who knew?

5. Halle Berry's Golden Globes dress.

Things I don't get cheap about

1. Freshly squeezed juices - a great natural high scientifically prooven to give approximately 13 minutes of happiness. You can hear your body sing with the nutrients.

2. Petrol - I know this would be on everyone else's cheap list, but I can't be bothered waiting in those cheap petrol queues or driving 15kms out of my way to get 4c off.  If you got 50 litres, that's only a saving of $2:00. I can't believe how obsessive people can get about getting cheap petrol.

3. Vacuum Cleaners - we all hate vacuuming, so it's worth getting one that actually works. The cheaps ones lose suction after about 8 months and you find yourself vacuuming ten times over to get an average result.

4. Wine - I think some clear skins are fantastic but generally I'd rather spend the extra $5:00 to get that bottle you really like.

5. Sunscreen - As the song says, you can forget the rest of my advice, "but trust me on the sunscreen".

Things I get cheap about

1. Nappies- I will go to K-mart or travel to wherever there is a nappy special (within a 25km radius) to save on nappies. If you buy in bulk you can get down to 30c a nappy, which is still a rip off, but beats the usual 50c a nappy.

2. Make-up - I have found that the $3:00 eye shadow is as good as the $70:00 eyeshadow, right down to mosturiser, it's all the same stuff, it still all sweats off in five minutes on a hot day. (NB- Lipstick can be an exception to the rule)

3. Handwash- seeing as I pour it into my fancy dispensers anyway, it's homebrand refills all the way.

4. Milk - the coles brand is half the price of your lite white, etc.

5. Water - as in I bought one bottle of it about five years ago and keep refilling the bottle. It almost sounds like a riddle, "What is the only thing we buy that we can get for free?" Water.

Fave Jerry Maguire Quotes

So everyone remembers "show me the money", "you complete me" and "you had me at hello" but in a movie of endless cliches, mantras, mottos and one-liners, I seem to have remembered the entire script. Here are some I have tragically been known to quote.

1. "That's the difference between me and you, you think we're fighting and I think we're finally talking."

2."Jump right into my nightmare, the water is warm."

3. "First class is the problem honey, it used to be a better meal, now it's a better life."

4. "You don't know what it's like being out there for you, it's an up-at-dawn, pride swallowing seige I will never fully tell you about."

5. "That's not a dress, that's an Audrey Hepburn movie."

Stars that aren't as threatening as they think...

In "the bizz" there is a term "triple threat" which means a person can sing, dance and act all to an exceptional degree. These celebs think they are...but are not as Hugh Jackman as they think.

1. Nicole Kidman - Can't dance - as cleverly as Buz Luhrmann tried to edit Moulin Rouge to look like she could, strutting is not dancing.

2. Will Smith - Can't sing - sorry Fresh Prince, rapping is not singing.

3. Christina Aguliera - Can't act - Burlesque could be re-titled Hurlesque.

4. Cher - Can't dance - the woman sure has the acting and singing talent in spades, but we all know those crazy outfits are covering up her lack of dance ability (and not much of her body.)

5. Brittany Spears - Can't act - and I sat through Crossroads, her debut movie, so I know.

Justin Timberlake, on the other hand is possibly up for an Oscar, so at least one of the ex-Mickey Mouse clubbers can act. He can join the legitimate triple threat club, along with Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta-Jones, John Travolta, Tim Curry, Gweneth Paltrow and the entire cast of Glee.

Why Pollies ain't Pop.

It's bizarre, as a politican you basically have to win several popularity contests throughout your career only to become unpopular. Here are just a few light-hearted reasons why...

1. They ain't pretty - let's face it, in our looks-obsessed society, some people would not consider a politican a successful or worthy person simply because they are often overweight and/or ugmo.

2. They ain't cool - a politican is too afraid to show any sign of humour, personality or sexuality because any time they do they are ridiculed mercilessly. They need to be sensible, serious and boring 24/7.

3. They take our money -  and we hate anyone who takes our money.

4. The ivory tower factor- we suspect that they never use the public facilities, institutions or transport they govern. They are about as "one of the everyday people" as Elton John is (only unpopular). 

5. They get bad press- the media knows pollies are the villains we love to hate. If life was Melrose Place, they would be Amanda Woodward (only unattractive).

The "Boo" in "Booze".

As a reformed booze-hound, I find my life (and the lives of those around me) are better/safer in the following ways;

1. When I dance, I can now balance myself simultaneously. I can now move with some degree of rythym, precision and spatial awareness, consequently injuring less people.

2. When I talk to people at parties, I don't yell in their ear, whilst clutching their shoulder for support.

3. I've saved money, not just on the drinks, but on all the paranoid phone calls made the following day on damage control for my possibily offensive drunken antics.

4. Sundays are spent doing stuff, other than shuffling around with a light grey complexion making a low groaning sound.

5. I no longer have my eyes half closed in most of my photos.

Indicators of Impatience

1. You've never let a piece of toast pop up, without hitting the cancel button first.

2. In a food court, you scan for the vendor with the shortest line and eat from there, whether you like or not.

3. You think Jamie Oliver's new 30 minute meals take about 25 minutes too long.

4. You get road rage, computer rage, hold rage and could basically just add the word "rage" to any of your daily activities/locations.

5. You get more fines for speeding/running red lights/ parking in the mail than thai takeaway menus.

The Cheat's Guide to Housework

1. If you make your bed...the bedroom is considered cleaned.

2. When ironing shirts only do the collar and wear a jumper over them.

3. Have a storage box ready and before anyone comes over walk through the house putting any miscellaneous items in it. (Put them away later) Other places to hide mess include the linen press, oven, wardrobe, shower, garage, pantry or your car.

4. If you clean the top of the vanity- the bathroom is done.

5. Only vacuum rugs- they stand out the most.

You don't go to the dentist because...

I go to a yuppy dentist where giant flat screen televisions descend from the ceiling to land right in front of your face once in the chair. However, I still find going there permanently at the bottom of my "to-do" list. Apart from the obvious reason of being time-poor, here's why no-one goes to the dentist as regularly as they should.

1. The Knowledge- who really wants to know how bad their teeth really are? I find if the tooth hurts, the truth hurts more.

2. The Guilt - You should've gone sooner, cleaned better, flossed deeper, eaten more apples, less sugar, etc. You suddenly feel as though you are in Confession...and you're not even Catholic.

3. The Awkward Conversation - It may be hard to rap when you're born with a stutter but it's even harder to talk with a mouth full of dental instruments. Wearing those giant glasses and having drool flowing out of your numb mouth doesn't help communication either.

4. The Pain- From the needle in the gums to when they hit a nerve, let's face it, none of it tickles. The sound of that drill stops my heart. That zzzzzeeer ...zzzzzeeerrrrr.... zzzzeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

5. The Cost - When you've finally saved a couple of grand you don't want to blow it on all of the above. And what you get back from your private health insurance barely covers the petrol.

Dang, I better go make my appointment.

Customer Service Representatives we Dread!

Shopping is supposed to be fun, theraputic and satisfying, so we are led to believe. However, these shop assistant types tend to mar the experience.

1. The Ignoramus - Characterised by being keen but genuinely not knowing what they stock, where anything is or how to order it in for you. Often need to ask at least three co-workers for help to complete your simple transaction. Unsure what a cash register is and how it works.

2. The Flirt - The only selling this rep is doing is of themselves, to their co-worker. They openly crack onto their work crush with the usual cringey methods of teasing, hitting, laughing at stupid in-jokes and doing anything but being helpful to the customers. You're left at the counter for ages feeling like a third wheel on a teenage date.

3. The Patroniser - Usually an older woman and often in stores where you already feel a bit intimidated, eg. a lingerie store, bridal shop, etc. Y'know the Prue and Trude type (from Kath and Kim). They think their store is a cut above the others, that customers are "clients" and want you to feel as bad about yourself as possible.

4. The Liar - I realise shop assistants are their to sell but sometimes the advice you get is a little dishonest. If anything is too small they'll tell you it will "give" and if anything is too large they tell you it will "shrink in the wash". Will tell you a giant purple mumu is "really flattering" and "so in this season". If they sense you are a little unsure of the product you are buying they sell you all this extra stuff you don't really need.

5. The Lazy-Bones - This worker obviously has no vested interest in the store because they can not be bothered making any sales. They can be seen chewing gum, looking dishevelled and texting under the counter. They answer any question with, "You'll have to check the shelves, that's all we have," after pretending not to hear you a few times. 

Some Annoying Habits of Couples

1. Showing you a million holiday snaps with a long tag-team commentary of each photo.

2. Sharing an email address.

3. Finishing each other's sentences or correcting each other's stories on inconsequential details.

4. Busting each other 24/7.

5. Wearing matching outfits or getting matching haircuts.

Favourite Dips (and what is in them)

1. Spinach cob - Spinach, cream cheese, french onion powered soup and a clove of garlic. Serve in a vienna loaf hollowed out.

2. Gucamole - Avacado, coriander, spanish onion, garlic, pepper and lime juice.

3. Bacon and vegetable dip - Spring onion powered soup, sour cream and top with diced bacon.

4. Yellow dip - Corn relish and philidelphia cream cheese.

5. Three layered mexican dip - bottom level - gucamole, second level - sour cream, top level - taco seasoning mix and sour cream (some add whole egg mayonaise and/or ked kidney beans). Sprinkle grated cheese, diced tomato, spanish onions and shallots on top.

Five everyday paranoias to let go of...

1. That all shop changerooms have double-sided mirrors.

2. That hairdressers are giving each other funny looks about your funny hair.

3. That the people behind you are sneaking a peek at your PIN whilst EFTPOS-ing.

4. That people can piece together your shreded bills in your rubbish bin and steal your identity.

5. That the people developing your photos think you are conceited for having so many photos of yourself.

We are living in a virtual world and I am a virtual girl...

1. I text my family to meet me...on skype.

2. I tune my guitar..to an online app.

3. I have to set a digital reminder... to feed my virtual goldfish.

4. I go snowboarding...in my living room on Wii Fit.

5. I have no need for cds, my street directory, photo albums, television, gym membership, books, paper and pens.

Favourite Pieces of "Thinspiration"

1. "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" - Someone on Oprah.

2. "Eating fattening food is fleeting but being trim is 24/7." - Shannon (Biggest Loser Trainer)

3. "Don't waste the pretty" - That guy who wrote He's Just not That into You.

4. "She who indulges, bulges." - A magnet stuck on my mum's fridge

5. "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips." - Nah, that one just irritates people so much they reach straight for the hot chips.

My Five New Year's Resolutions

1. Be honest - I'll stop doing the fake "we've won" face at my husband when the lotto results come out.

2. Make others happy - but stop cracking the sleazy joke, "Wow, what a fine piece of meat...and the steak looks good too."

3. Laugh - but try not to snort, cry, thigh slap or produce snot/drool whilst doing so.

4. Exercise - but try to walk further than around the cul de sac.

5. Admit when I'm wrong - Ok, Sex and The City 2 is a really bad film, I do snore and I did intentionally get one huge blonde streak put through my dark brown hair, it wasn't a mix up at the salon.