Five Word Fusions of 2010

1.Poptastic - popular and fantastic

2. Chilax -  to chill and relax

3. Glamping - glamorous camping

4. Sexting - sending a sexually orientated text message/picture

5. Webisodes - episodes on the web

Love it, along with new fan names such as the "twi-hards" and the "gleeks", language sure is transvolving (transforming and evolving).

Lame Movie Titles

1. Hey Hey, it's Esther Blueburger

2. Dan in Real Life

3. Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants

4. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe

5. Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging

Ads that think they are musicals...

1. AAMI - To the classic What About Me? song. The second one isn't as good, mainly due to that female singer who sings the chorus - "it isn't fair" indeed- to your eardrums.

2. Aeroguard - To the Grease staple Summer Nights - However, I'd like to point out that "out in the bush" does not rhyme with "no need to rush." Also, the creepy dad at the bbq in the budgie smugglers singing "eat some snags, all after dark" doesn't make much sense and it isn't even dark? The look the token moody tween gives him speaks for us all.

3. White Pages - The guy on the white misty set that looks like he's singing at the piano but is on the computer - loved the first one and sang it round the house for a week straight. Unfortunately, the subsequent installments have not lived up to standard with either the song or the visual gags.

4. Lipton Iced Tea - Hugh is just loving himself sick in that corporate dance routine, but who isn't?

5.Foxtel - To the tune of Jingle Bells -  you know the one - "Foxmas time, foxmas time, foxtel will save you" - complete with the token moody tween and the cheesy singing family with a few lines each. After the success of "Happy Eoyfs" in June, we were waiting for it. At least now Christmas is over - so is the ad!

My husband's guide to an awkward handshake

There's nothing more fun than an awkward handshake, here's how to achieve it.

1. Put forward the wrong hand and do a same hand handshake combined with a lame laugh.

2. Try to do a gangster style secret handshake when you aren't a gangster and the other person isn't in on the secret.

3. Step in too close so the other person doesn't know if you're going for the handshake followed by the pull in semi-hug with the back slap or the handshake and kiss or neither. Put your other hand over theirs so they are trapped there for a while.

4. Extend your hand from about ten metres away to create the world's most anticipated handshake.

5. Tell a long story while continuing to shake the person's hand vigorously.

Top 5 Most Irrelevant Facebook Posts

1. What you are eating.
2. What you are drinking.
3. What time you got up.
4. What time you're going to bed.
5. That you are tired.

Ideas for Christmas Washed Away With the Rain.

Suddenly the following plans don't seem as hot as I wish the weather was...

1. My new chrissy tankini and matching sarong- ( and I don't have time to source another chrissy themed outfit and nothing else fits.)

2. Our pool party - (we are hosting chrsitmas lunch for 27 people and the only thing to do at our house is swim.)

3. Serving pina coladas - ( maybe people could actually use their mini umbrellas in their cocktails? What a hoot!)

4. The cold meat and salads menu in alfresco setting- (all the guests will be dreaming of a roast with plenty of gravy and begging to be let inside.)

5. The beach towels I got everyone- ( maybe they could double as individual chrissy throw rugs?)

Vocabulary that Covers Bad Cooking

1. If it's slightly burnt, it's "caramelised."

2. If it's really burnt, it's "cajun."

3. If it's raw in the middle, it's "self-saucing."

4. If it's gone cold, it's "well rested".

5. If it's poorly presented, it's "rustic"

Mincing My Words

If I ever wrote a cookbook( and I should) it would be all about mince. I would call it Mincing Your World by Stephanie Blockley. Here is the outline of my first five chapters...


Chapter 1 - I Say Tomato /You Say Tomatoe... featuring lasagne, bolognaise sauce and tomato pasta bakes

Chapter 2 - Pies Are Squared - featuring cottage pie, shepherd's pie and meat pies

Chapter 3 - Patty Newton - featuring hamburger patties, rissoles and meatballs

Chapter 4 - Down Mexico Way - featuring tacos ( even though the recipe is on the pack), enchildas and chile con carnes

Chapter - Dinner China - featuring sang chot bow, moneybags and spring rolls

Now who wouldn't buy that?

Five future family outings I will not mind skipping!

Mummy won't mind if the boys want to go the following shows/places without her...

1. Monster Trucks

2. Krusty Demons

3. Time Zone

4. Paintball Skirmish

5. The Speedway

Complaint letters I never got round to sending...

I always intend to pen angry letters to network television and/or radio, but really, who has the time? Anyway, a true armchair activist would never actually do anything other than rant. Here's my current top five...

1. Dear Huey of Huey's Kitchen, I'm not trying to be mean about your size but you could stand being a bit fitter because stirring a pot of soup has you huffing and puffing like a steam train. It's a bit annoying. Also, can you please stop talking to the camera operators so much, let them do their job and you do yours.

2. Dear Radio Stations, please stop using car beeping noises to introduce every news report, traffic report and weather report as when I'm driving I always think it's real and jump a metre in the air - or the amount of space the car will allow.

3. Dear The Circle, I love your show, but could you please get rid of the info-mercials, as they do everyone's head in. If you need them in there for the advertising money couldn't you at least make sure they aren't synched up with the info-mercials on Mornings with Kerri-Anne and The Morning Show's ones so people could at least channel surf during them.

4. Dear Kochie, you say something annoying every morning on Sunrise, please try to be less annoying in future.

5. Dear Pete Everett, please stop feeling-up all the chefs and contestants on Ready Steady Cook. You can tell they all feel uncomfortable and try to avoid your advances. Also, at least let people answer when you ask them an annoying personal question that has nothing to do with cooking.

Signs you're a Christmas Control Freak.

1. You host Christmas lunch every year and don't let anyone help or bring anything as it will ruin your planned menu and decor.

2. You organise the Kris Kringle so you can rig it to your liking and know who everyone has got.

3. You tell everyone what they should get their Kris Kringle person and what they should get all their other friends and family members.

4. You tell anyone that you feel is over-eating at chrissy lunch that they really have had enough now.

5. You download at least 8 hours of music for a christmas soundtrack so no-one tries to play dj on the day. 

A Beary Bad Family Pun-off

When my youngest sister posted a photo of a bear she saw in the wild (in Canada) on Facebook, a family of pun enthusiasts got inspired, here are five of the best/worst...

1. Don't make a Boo-Boo by getting too close.

2. Do you think he's smarter than the average?

3. He seems pretty Grizzly.

4. That should give you paws for thought!

5. He's heading off to his cubby house.

That was about all I could bear...

Ebeneezer's Guide to Christmas Shopping...

Step 1. Around early August start promoting the philosophy that gift giving is "so 2009".

Step 2. See who you can convince to not exchange gifts with this year.

Step 3. Once in the mall, head to the food court for a milkshake or snack every half hour to "recollect your thoughts" amongst all the Christmas chaos.

Step 4. Scoff at all the money-hungry celebs that are flogging a just-in-time-for-Christmas perfume, bad cover album or re-mastered high definition disc you already bought the first time it was released.

Step 5. Resolve that if the gift someone wants can't be found at Big W, it can't be found.

I feel so Australian because...

1. I attend an Australia Day BBQ street party every year wearing an acrubra and white zinc.

 2. I call Jimmy and Johnny "Barnesy" and "Farnsey" respectively.

3. I tear up a bit whenever I hear kids singing the national anthem. Well, at least get a little lump in my throat, well, at least think it's real sweet.

4. I really only want to watch British X-Factor for Dannii.

5. I won a sunglasses strap on a tourist boat on Hamilton Island for being the only passenger who could recite the first verse of The Man From Snowy River - ok, there was only 40 people onboard and it was a truly crap prize, but I still somehow knew it.

Reasons I feel un-Australian...

1. I just found out Powderfinger split up (and I think it's about time.)
2. I think vegemite looks and tastes more like an industrial lubricant than a food.
3. I thought The Ashes was one game, but apparently it's five and I am not "ashen-faced" about it as the newspaper suggests, in fact I have a rosy glow.
4. I want to watch British X-Factor so much more than ours.
5. I'm slightly concerned that Oprah will think we're a bunch of hicks.

Christmas lyrics that crack me up...

1. " Don we now our gay apparel" - from Deck the Halls - (love a call to frock up)
2. "The ox and lamb kept time" - from The Little Drummer Boy - (those were some pretty musically inclined barnyard animals.)
3. "We all want some figgy pudding/we won't go until we got some/so bring it right here" from We Wish you a Merry Christmas - (how rude are those guests!)
4. "Troll the ancient yule tide carol" - from Deck the Halls - (sounds like a scary mythical beast)
5. "I saw mummy tickle santa claus, underneath his bear so snowy white" from I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus - ( Why would mummy want to get fresh with a fat old man's sweaty white beard? - ewwwwgh.)

Five examples of tautology I keep hearing...

Tautology is the needless repetition of an idea, especially in words, as in “widow woman."

1. "Free gift" - aren't all gifts free?
2. "PIN number" - the "N" stands for number.
3. "The two twins" - does that make four?
4. "ATM machine" - learn what everyday acronyms stand for.
5. "Repeat it again"- both the definition and the crime of tautology.

 

 

Best euphemisms for "fat"...

1. "Voluptuous"
2. "Full-figured"
3. "Curvy"
4. "Pleasantly plump"
5. "Robust"

Warning: I bet no-one ever felt chuffed after being called "pleasantly plump" though.

You're talking to a Gen-Y-er when...

1. They are simultaneously signing off a text, facebook post or tweet with "lol" and several smiley faces.
2. They keep pausing to take a swig of red bull, mother or V energy drink.
3. You are slightly distracted by their tatts, piercings and cooly dishevelled haircuts.
4. They can't hear you that well due to i-pod still in one ear and mobile ringing every few seconds.
5. They tell you their "peeps are random, for shizzle." Then ask if you can do them "a solid".

Actually, it is rare to be actually talking, it's more likely you are social networking with them exclusively.

Five signs you're a new parent...

1. A nappy sale is more exciting than a dvd sale.
2. You use the acronymn EBM (Expressed Breast Milk) more than OMG.
3. You're trying to remember lyrics to Three Blind Mice over Black Eyed Peas.
4. You suddenly appreciate your own parents twice as much.
5. You suddenly look half as good.

You know you watch too much television when...

1. You're in a a long standing mental debate with yourself over whether Sunrise is better than Today.
2. You start to consider buying ab-rollers, vegie-slicers and zumba workout videos.
3. You know all the news reader's names and think to yourself that they haven't changed a bit in years.
4. You slap up lunch in the credits of Dr. Phil so you're ready for Oprah.
5. The only thing you've fondled in months is the remote control.

Are your eyes turning square?

Stop drinking when...

Okay, I'll  have to put this one in some sort of context in order to narrow it down a little. Let's just say the topic of conversation at the party happens to be Hammish and Andy. Put down the booze and reach for a coffee if...
1. You start crying that Hammish and Andy are now only on the radio on Fridays.
2. You try to emphatically declare with raw emotion and heartfelt sincerity that Hammish and Andy are so under-rated and that they are the embodiment of young Australian talent. Unfortunately you can't get the word "embodiment" out so settle for "they rooooooooooooocccccck!"
3. You tell an inconsequential story about the time you tried to ring through to their show but couldn't get through about ten times at the top of your voice.
4. You declare that their Reministmas Special the "funniest thing you've ever seen" and try to start dramatically re-enacting the pranks, only you can't remeber any of them.
5. You start an annoying group poll over who is hotter, Hammish or Andy, which no-one could care less about, but you won't let up until they reluctantly participate.
How do you know when to draw the line?

You know you've grown up when...

1. You start listening to Jonesy and Amanda instead of Kyle and Jackie O (and wonder why modern music is so repetitive.)
2. You worry if you have a big Saturday night drinking you will "write off Sunday" (and can't afford to.)
3. It's a major problem when you run out of mosturiser, caffeine and/or money.
4. You wonder why the volume goes up so loud on the television everytime there's an ad break and worry that listening to your i-pod is giving you tinitus.
5. You mentally scoff that kids today swear too much, drive too recklessly and essentially have no manners!

Are you becoming a bit of a fuddy-duddy too? What are the indicators?

Five things I can do to seem more refined...

1.Vocabularly - say"evening" instead of "night" and "pardon?"instead of "hunh?"
2. Grooming - Actually groom before you go out, run a comb through the bird's nest.
3. The Walk- Try a graceful floating glide instead of a clumsy hunch-backed swagger.
4. Eating - Stop going for seconds and thirds when dining at people's homes or insisting you'll finish a dish off to "take one for the team."
5. Clothing - Check for baby chuck or any other stains, rips, missing buttons, missed ironing patches and try to accessorise with more than just a scrunchie round your wrist and your baby's dummy hanging from a chain.

What could you do?